Shape up or ship out

Funny isn't it? How sometimes on my random sojourns through the interwebs I sometimes find relics of my past like this blog, sticking out like fossils on the windswept desert that is my life. It's sad to see that many of issues that plagued me when I first started this blog are still there in full force, magnified even. It should shame me to know that my life up until now has been a colossal failure; in every sense, yet for some reason I'm still in that haze that keeps me from feeling much of anything. Its obvious that the ghost that's been haunting me for this past decade is depression, no other affliction I know of has this exact combination of symptoms which I experience on a daily basis. Couple that with a healthy dose of social anxiety and it gives you me, a virtual shut in; still living at home, still uneducated, still working menial jobs/unemployed, no friends to speak of, lovelife non-existent and yet somehow I still have the will to live. I guess it's one of my few redeeming qualities, that vague drive to not give up, to know that even as my twenties are coming to a close that I'm still young, still have time to become something. I shouldn't be squandering my abilities or my talents doing the things that I've been doing to both myself, and my loved ones. This post is dedicated to the future, no matter how hopeful or bleak it may be, I want it to know I'm going to keep on fighting. I'm not going to let this bullshit mentality, this disease rule over me any longer. Its time to grow up, and shape up.

In a daze

My mind has been a haze lately. I have no clue as to why that is the case. I find myself sleeping a lot more than I usually do as of late as well. I mean before I'd be ready to go by 7:00 even on weekends...now on days I don't have school I've found myself sleeping until 3 in the afternoon sometimes. It's strange. I think it has to do with how late I've been staying up, my sleeping patterns are all shot. Ughhhh I guess I better start giving myself a "bedtime" and see if that helps bring some normalcy back into my circadian rhythms.

Nostalgia

Lately I've been feeling rather nostalgic about things, perhaps its the fact that spring is in the air and that the world is finally starting to brighten up a little. Or maybe its just that I've had time to brood on fond memories of a bygone era...and cling to them in hopes of them not floating away amidst the sea of new ones coming in. Whatever it is I like it. I want to visit my old neighborhood one of these days and just walk around all of my old haunts, see whats changed and whats stayed the same. I know it's only been 3 years since I left, but a lot can happen in that short a time span. I think a lot of it has to do with me not being satisfied with where we live now, and the...vitality it seems to lack. It just does not have the feel that Toronto does, none of the vibrancy or the panache. It really is just dull here. I mean its completely dead here after 9:00pm, I'm used to it now but there was a time when I could go out at any time of the day and expect to see people out and about. Another thing I'm hoping that goes through is getting into school in Toronto. I mean Orillia is okay, if you are a yokel but for a big city slicker like me its nowhere near enough. Getting to go to school downtown will give me an excuse to go exploring, and give me that dose of hustle and bustle I've been missing. Not to mention downtown is probably the only part of the city other than Scarborough that I don't know my way around so some of my exploring will inevitably result in me getting lost. Which is fine I guess, it will help in establishing the sense of direction I so desperately need. Well it seems this has turned into an enormously long rambling post but what the hell, I had stuff on my mind I needed to get out. And this seems like just the place to do it.

what you see isn't always what you get

Isn't it funny how when you think you want something badly and you get it.....it's not what you thought it would be? That's how I feel about living alone. I wanted it for the longest time, but now I see that it isn't all that its cut out to be.

forget about winter

This winter is not one that will be missed. Instead it will be one best left forgotten. The next few months will be stressful but hopefully the hard work will pay off. And I hope next winter will be more memorable.

the strive for excellence

I finally have given myself the opportunity to make something of myself. I sure as hell better not fuck this up, this is the only time in my life I'll be able to to do this.....Later it will be hard, it will seem impossible. I can't allow the same old pattern of self depreciation that has been the hallmark of my life take over. I can not fail I WILL NOT FAIL, since it is not an option. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough.....that for some reason I'm not capable of things that other people are capable of, it's times like these I curse my resolve for being so weak. I can't allow myself to be weak, or in this world I'll be eaten alive. I need to make sure I put my heart and soul into my work, into every single thing that flows forth from my pen; that it's perfection only then will I succeed. All I need to do is make myself capable......everything else will follow.

God do I hate waiting.....

These past few days have been ones filled with anticipation. Waiting on schools to finally give me an answer to my applications has been unnerving. Lately I feel as though I have so much on my mind, and that I'm also very confused. I'm sort of feeling like I have no idea what to do with my life, I mean as far as a career goes I'm not really sure what to do, should I make a crack at becoming a doctor or should I just leave it? I don't know, I've also been considering taking that Geography program I applied for, I've always liked the geographical and I honestly think I would enjoy that. And also another thing that seems to perpetually be on my mind is moving out, except the only problems are:
a) I don't have a job right now
b) I don't think making that drastic a move is a good idea in a recession

Well I've got a few interviews this week so hopefully those will go well
and perhaps an opportunity to move out will present itself in the next little while. Until then all I can do is wait for those damn universities to accept me.........